Monday, April 06, 2009

Mother's Helper

When I told Evan to finish his lunch up because Kelsey (my mother's helper - try mother's GODSEND) was coming, he started making a "ding-dong" sound like the doorbell...and little baby sister Amelie (that's what he calls her) joined right in.

This time last year, Auntie had just died and I was just heartsick that the Hope and Faith I had put into the fact that it was Easter time was for not. I was completely expecting a miracle - it was Easter after all.

So I try to focus on the bigger miracle, that I will see Aunty again someday. That reality gives me great comfort when I think about my Dad. But I'm just not there yet with Auntie. I've got Susan Ashton's You Move Me on the radio right now....

"I'm frozen solid with fear, like a rock in the ground. But You move me. You give me courage I didn't know I had. You move me. I can't go with You and stay where I am, so You move me."

I am in such a place of self-pity and immobility. So I hang on with the faith that He *will* move me. I think back to when Aunty died. It was so awful...such a let down after a short period of hope for that miracle. But then I remember feeling "better" so much sooner than I thought I would. I was so grateful to my faith communities for that. (First Church of Christ, Congregational in Bedford, and Hope Church (UCC) in Roslindale).

You would think that all the joy that *is* a two year old, and a three year old, that I would be so happy. And I kick myself when I'm not. I get so angry that I'm not happier. I wish that Aunty could have been around longer for my babies. I wish I were able to do more with them...get out more. {{Sigh}}

God's got His work cut out for Him to move me. So I hang on, try to have patience, and try to have Faith. I think about my wonderful mother's helper, my newest best friend I have here in Bedford who comes at least once a week for our kids to have a playdate, my church friends...the fact that my mom is able to visit about once a week. God is the greatest "mother's helper" I've got.

On the Journey...